Pfft. A Giant Step Back & Running Forward Again

November 26th, Twenty Eleven. This means January 1st, Twenty Twelve will be here in the blink of an eye. Thank God.

So, recap of the last few months. I got sick. A total of 7 doctors and specialists, blood drawn a total of 35 different times since August 6th,  a CT scan, a radio active XRay, 1 Chinese Acupuncturist ( and a partridge in a Pear Tree ?) No. And a diagnosis. Finally.

One of the many tests to be done 'ASAP', per dr's orders

"What I think you have is 'Adrenal Fatigue Syndrome' ". 
 This was what my last doctor said to me during my latest visit. The voice inside my head was wondering, 'what do you mean 'you think ? '  But he seemed convinced, although there's no special blood test to confirm - 'yep, this is it'. He seemed to have it pegged. I had every symptom and all the events leading up to the moment of the first medical 'episode' would indicate that yes, this was the proper diagnosis. It's caused from too much 'stress'.

It's been a wild year, full of extreme, complete overload of stress and pressure.  On top of that, I was training for a full marathon and a half ironman over the summer, and apparently, the body equates this as stress, too. PLUS, I was not eating properly. My normal 'spot on' nutrition was anything but that. I was skipping meals,  not sleeping through the night - you name any bad habit, I was doing it....Ten Fold.  And my body was trying to tell me that - I was hurting. I was in pain.  I was so tired. And I completely ignored it, and kept doing more and more and more. And finally, my body just stopped working. Totally. It was TICKED OFF at me and oh my god, it was about to tell me just how pissed off it was ( see 'Eye of the Hurricane' post for a full list of symptoms :)

I learn that the adrenal glands have everything to do with everything. They pump put all the hormones, the 'fight or flight' stressors we get when we're in a 'stressed out/life threatening' situation. And apparently, I was putting these glands on overdrive. I was constantly in a 'fight or flight' mode - they never had time to recover as they normally should. This equates to a decrease in immune system function. And then they exhaust themselves, which leads to a whole bunch of unwelcome side effects.

So great, now we have a diagnosis, we 'think'. A real one this time. Where's the pill to 'fix it' ? I was ready to pop a few ASAP. This is when I'm informed - there is no 'cure' for it. No pill. Nada.
Huh ? You mean to tell me, we can send peeps up to hang out on the moon and build little cities up there  and shit, and there's no pill to fix my adrenal glands - so they feel all comfy/cozy again and we can reverse all this damage they've inflicted on my body ? To make me feel better ? Are you friggin' kidding me ?!? Nope, not kidding.

I'm told to find a 'balance' between work/life/training  - and to remove stress from my life. HA !!! This truly made me laugh out loud. Stress is my middle name ! This is what I do, this is how I function - if I'm not stressed, I'm not breathing.  Give me a high stress situation and watch me shine. Put me in the mundane and watch me unravel. I like fast pace. I like to 'do'. Not idle. I don't idle well.

I'm told to correct the damage I've done on my adrenals, full recovery is about 6 months. While the recovery time is a long process, the ability to have a setback is quite easy - do too much, and I'm back at square one again. But a full recovery is possible. IF ( that's a big 'if' ) I take it easy. Remove some of the daily stress factors. Cut back on the training ( as the body does not know the difference between 'mental' stress and 'physical' stress - it is one and the same as far as the body is concerned. And training for a marathon, stresses the body to some extent). I'm told I need to learn to ' R E L A X '.

I inform my doctor about my next race that is very important for me to partake in. The London Marathon in April, 2012. If I'm not able to run that one, it would crush me. I already had to give up Chicago. My eyes fixated on London - it's the one thing I've been looking forward to. I'm not prepared to give that up.

A plan is created from my doctor that I'm suppose to 'stick to', and it's only slightly sketchy.  Chill out from work/life stresses BIG TIME.  And keep my workouts minimal until January 1, 2012. From there, I'll be allowed to ramp my mileage/workouts back up slowly to get me to London. I need to re-visit my goals for that race as the date draws near. But the start line healthy ? That's my 'A' goal right now. Along with the finish line. I have a goal time in mind, but I'm going to have to realistically evaluate this as time goes on.

So, with my new 'goal' of 'chilling out' more, I totally left town for a week. I went to Florida and removed myself from everything that's been cranking out a stress response from me. I think part of the pressure that's put me on the DL for the last few months is from the question I keep asking myself but struggle to find the answer : 'where do you want to go ? what do you want to do ? what do you want to do with the rest of your life ? '. Not sure why those questions are coming up now, but they are and there's so much uncertainty that goes along w/ those answers. That causes some self-inflicted anxiety. But,  I read this quote today, and it helped me breath a little bit easier - as it lifted some of that fog on those open ended questions : “Don't be afraid to give up the good to go for the great.”   This is from JD Rockefeller. And it made me feel...better. Not 'guilty' about wanting more, which is how I've been feeling about wanting 'more'. This helped some.

Daily beach walk to see the sunset :)

But going to Florida was beneficial for me. I was able to do some easy runs ( aside from the day I got lost and ended up doing 13.4, but I blame that on Mapquest for giving shitty directions ). I can tell my lactate threshold has declined and this is sorta' upsetting...not just that , but the fact that I feel I've gone backwards because of all of this - that's not a great feeling. But I'm trying to be optimistic this can come back quickly.  Plus, I'm not pushing too hard on my runs the last few weeks, so who knows what that will be when I truly start training again.

Beach Run !

So - who knew ? Who knew 'stress' could have this sort of effect. Funny...while in Florida I met a woman who was just stunning - amazing lady. She, too, was a bit overloaded. She was having 'blackouts'...she would blackout in the middle of a conversation. Forget chunks of her days, her hair was falling out at one point. The problem ( after many, many doctor visits ) ? Stress. Huh. That sucks. It's no joke, I've learned.

So, the last four months have been a giant step in the wrong direction when it comes to my running. Pfft.  That can be a bit heartbreaking. My Chinese Acupuncture dude - who's awesome - gave me some sound advice - 'what do you do if you want to throw a ball forward ? You pull your arm back. Sometimes you have to go back - to go forward.'  I get it. And I'm ready to go forward, in a big way. A full '26.2 kinda' way :)

The Tighter You Hold Onto Something...

I received a SPAM email the other day and for whatever reason, I opened it instead of hitting 'delete'. Its message was simple and precise and could not have come at a better time:


" The tighter you try and hold on to something... the more you are pushing it away. "

Hell, there's even a song w/ the lyrics '...hold on loosely, but don't let go...'   I've always understood what they meant by this and have TRIED to apply it to my everyday (control freak/Type A(nal) life.  Sometimes I succeed. Other times, not so much. :)

But that is me - to a 'T'. It's one of my many faults. I like to hold on tight.  The good news is, I know this is a flaw and I try to loosen the grip a bit and not 'control' things that at the end of the day, I never had control over anyway.

In my career, this is probably not a bad thing, I suppose. I usually 'hold on' until I get the answer I want. Not a horrible quality in that regard. 

Work Awards. Yay.

In my running/racing...I may be a tad too stubborn and want to squeeze the heck out of a ' goal time' until I get it...again, not horrible...but it may have caused me to ignore some real signs that I was pushing too hard, thus putting me on the DL when maybe  had I 'loosened the grip' some, I wouldn't be sidelined now.  

Pre Race - Hopefully I'll be doing this again SOON :)

But in terms of relationships, this is a flaw I've had to curb quite a bit.  With my 9 year old, for example - his volcano project that he did ALL BY HIMSELF and he was so proud - and I was EXTREMELY proud of him, too !! And as I praised the work he did, there was a voice inside of me screaming ' that's not to scale...THAT IS NOT TO SCALE '.  Fortunately, I can curb this inner voice...as I was VERY proud of his work :) 

Joe and his AWESOME Volcano :)

But in regard to the original quote about the 'tighter your hold onto something, the more you push it away', I didn't correlate that quote and my health until it hit me smack in the head one night last week when I was briefly sidetracked - pleasantly so - and I forgot for a few short moments about the thought that has been FRONT AND CENTER on my mind for the last few months...I forgot, temporarily, about all this medical/doctor/crap that I've had on my mind for too long now...and I actually ENJOYED myself and 'lived in the moment' for a few minutes. I realized then - that I can't control the outcome or the speed at which answers will be found; I can only control the way I react to it all, and what I do with my time in the interim. It's far more pleasurable ENJOYING the ride, instead of worrying.  I have to go with the flow - and let the rest of it go...sorta'.

12 hours after that moment, for the first time in months - I had concrete answers from my doctor. Progress. A step forward. More to sort out, but I was elated . And those answers came not when I was trying to figure it all out and pushing for answers and worrying. Those answers came when I took a step back and enjoyed what was going on around me. And not a second before.

In reality, this is not the monorail with a clear, precise line that I can see in front of me at all times. This is the roller coaster we call 'life'. And there are highs and lows and twists and turns that you never see coming.  Some make you feel sick to your stomach - and others take your breath away. And what fun is it to 'hold on tight', when you can put your arms up in the air and enjoy the ride, right ?
:)